Transition And Depression

I was depressed for 20 years. There was an overall depression, with spikes downwards to a real shitty place.

Testosterone has pretty much cleared up the overall depression. I don’t know if it was a hormonal balance issue, just having the “right fuel” for once, or finally understanding myself and feeling good about being me. But it’s gone. It’s like a fog that’s lifted.

The spikes downwards, are more these isolated moments of extreme emotional pain. During the depression, the spikes down would form the moments where I felt suicidal. Now that the overall depression has lifted, they do not go that far down. They feel more like intense sorrow or grief, and last for 1-4 hours. I’m operating on the assumption that they’re from the CPTSD of being trans for so long, as well as the trauma of an abusive childhood. And it’s like, now I can finally “get at them” to help them heal a bit. The exercises I received in therapy actually work a bit now.

I’m not on any anti-depressants, which never helped me much to begin with. I think I’m experiencing T as an anti-depressant.